Reluctantly Strolling Through The Dark Shadows of My Past

I moved out of Orange County, CA when I was 23 years old to go to school in San Francisco. It may not seem like a big move considering it was interstate but I could not have picked a city that was more different than the place I grew up. Subconsciously, I was trying to run away from the pain that so-called friends and family members had caused me. Consciously, I believed I could only thrive in my career outside of the bubble that is the OC. From San Francisco, I moved to Los Angeles, where I entered the entertainment world and met a variety of people that would all impact my life greatly. I vowed that I would settle down in LA, get married, and raise my family there with OC nothing but a dark shadow in my past.

Well, 13 years later, I am back. Begrudgingly, but knowing that, ultimately, it has become the best decision for the family that my new husband and I have started. Logically, I understand this but emotionally, well let’s just say I wasn’t prepared. I moved knowing that I’d have to set boundaries with my family, that I’d have to explore and find “my spots”, and I’d even have to try to make new friends. What I wasn’t prepared for was the emotional turmoil that would ensue from returning to the place where I was on the receiving end of unwarranted anger and callous bullying.

Thus began the journey of trying to heal deep pain that I’ve been carrying most of my life. Disappointment, sadness, anger, disbelief, lack of worthiness, lack of enough-ness, you name it and chances are, its come up in the last 9-ish months. I had sealed the lid on these feelings and covered it in concrete in hopes of never uncovering them again, and yet, here we are.

The universe has a funny way of making you face the skeletons in your closet.