Searching For My Purpose

I have been lucky enough throughout most of my life that I’ve always been able to figure out what I want to do next. It’s always shown up as a soft whisper in my soul. A gentle nudge from the universe saying “this way, my dear” and I have dutifully followed. Its taken me to San Francisco where I experienced a great failure but also became a much better version of myself. Its taken me to Los Angeles where I fell many times but got back up many times, always standing up into a stronger and more successful person.

But this time, I couldn’t hear the whisper. Now matter how quiet I got, no matter how much I begged and pleaded, I could not hear what the universe was whispering to me. Maybe I didn’t want to hear it, maybe I wasn’t supposed to hear it…because maybe, I needed to get truly quiet for the first time in my life to hear what my soul was trying to tell me. This time, the universe nudged me towards creating space in my life by working through emotional blocks such as thinking that I am responsible for everyone else’s emotional well-being. And that I am only worthy as long as I meet everyone else’s expectations before thinking of my own.

So I begrudgingly followed the nudges that I needed to do the work. People always talk about “doing the work” but what does that really mean? It means looking at aspects of yourself that you’ve buried for years, hoping the band-aid you’ve put over it will stay on for a lifetime but inevitably, the wound only gets bigger and the band-aid no longer fits across it. I didn’t want to do it, but I had no choice. The universe plunged me into a dark abyss, forcing me to face my wounds every single day with no route to escape. The only way out was to go through the painful feelings and slowly face my inner child who had been holding onto pain and sadness.

So I did the work. I acknowledged and reprogrammed my subconscious beliefs that I am not, in fact, responsible for anyone’s emotional well-being. That I am worthy no matter what and I am deserving of everything I desire. That my feelings as a child, although valid, had been based on a misunderstanding what the expectations of me were.

And now, the universe is whispering again. A little louder than before, stronger even. Now I hear it clearly.

“Good job, my dear…now, it’s time to write. Because that is your purpose.”