Choosing To Be Me.

The only way out is through. I can’t even count how many times I have been told that sentiment or how many times I have repeated it myself, unsure if I even believe it.

Until now.

The great experiment of coming home to face my trauma and pain to see if it will open back up the parts of myself that I so diligently and forcefully closed off all those years ago actually worked.

I left this place closing off a huge part of my authenticity and confidence that came innately, that I loved, that I prided myself on. Because it made others feel small and they didn’t like it.

So I’ve been working hard to step back fully into those parts of myself, refusing to people please and put my needs first, much to a few peoples chagrin. I have a friend who berated me three weeks ago because I prioritized my mental health over hers and typically, I would have felt immense guilt and put her first — but I didn’t this time. In fact, I am quite appalled that she had the audacity to not just think but to also verbalize to me that I should have put her before me. This is a new response for me and I am so proud of myself for it. It means all the work I’ve been doing is taking effect. I am setting boundaries and I am refusing to bend to other people’s will over my own.

So when my husband mentioned he wanted to read my posts, I sent him the link and when there was radio silence afterwards, I did not enter a state of panic and worry over what he thought.

Instead, I asked if he read them and he said yes. I acknowledged that my writing style is a bit darker and that he doesn’t have to like it. He asked if I’m happy and I told him that I can be both happy in life and our marriage while being miserable working through my trauma at the same time.

Both things can be true. As multi-dimensional human beings, we have to understand this. Nothing is perfect except for owning all parts of ourselves and everything we feel. I was thrilled to get married but I hated planning a wedding. I was excited to move out of LA but dreaded the thought of having to make new friends and find my local spots. I love doing the ‘work’ to heal myself but will avoid doing it because I don’t want to go down a rabbit hole of potential sadness.

I am no longer ashamed of these feelings and I am so much more at peace being my authentic self who happily embraces all parts of myself.

I have strong feelings, opinions, and needs in life that others may not understand.

I, and my writing, are not for everyone and I am perfectly okay with that.